I am the husband with no social life. 8. He doesn't want bedroom action anymore. Ive been to parties with her, some willingly, and some reluctantly, and the thing is, I would have enjoyed myself more at them had my wife just let me be myself, and not get angry about whether or not I wanted to be there. My My,, I read your comment and i felt m listening to my husband.. Were all different and if youre spouse cant accept you the way you are, even if that means youve changed over the years screw em, lifes too short! Im sorry, it doesnt work that way. He's just not photogenic. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA . Also, define antisocial. We'll use this answer, along with your previous ones, to immediately direct you to some free marriage counseling videos for your specific situation. Dr. Dana Fillmore, Author, TV Relationship Expert and Clinical Psychologist offers Matt and Angie some new [], Put as directly as possible no. He might come to an event for an hour to pick me up if I didnt drive. WRONG. Now Ive decided Ill never have another girlfriend.They feel like they have the right to demand my time and attention. Im looking at this from the outside in, but it sounds like your husband is depressed. Someone who is emotionally immature may also lack an awareness of the need for self-care. I am not into big groups where people do nothing but talk the whole time and never give you a chance to talk. She tried to force a friendship. he also seems antisocial and this is the only reason we fight. 4 You have trust issues. Ugh. Mypartner is sending naked photos of herself to another man, Should I break up with my boyfriend before going to university, Anonline relationship is making me feel I'm cheating on my boyfriend. Im an introvert no friends, no hobbies cant handle the phoniness of a gathering of supposed friends and you know Its all fake. Changing your own behavior may trigger your spouse to want to make changes. You write that he is friendly but just doesn't like to socialize outside of the house. Its something each and every one of us has to deal with. I hope that helps. Myboyfriend cheated on me with a friend. I wish I could change the way that I am but Im just me. It was boring, and I didnt see the point of socializing with my wife if shed only spend less than a minute with me all night anyway. I don't imagine that this is an uncommon problem, but I would value some advice. And every child is different of course. He's not even interested in showing or receiving affection. I didnt marry her friends, her family or any other person or thing. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. What Is The #1 Issue Or Problem In Your Marriage? Here's a link to his video again. A woman I still love left me almost three years ago and I still havent recovered. Some people maintain huge social circles and keep in close contact with them all. You dont have to please everyone. I do realize that it isnt this simple, and that people who are antisocial might be uncomfortable, and might feel awkward and hence start getting anxiety if they know they are going out to a social event. Passion in the bedroom isn't everything in a relationship, but it can explain a lot. I have been married 25 years and I dont do a thing I dont WANT to do. At the risk of generalising, I think this is true for a lot of introverts: we hate making small talk in big groups, but love having deep, intimate conversations with individuals or small groups. Hope this helps. He won't even consider it. Truth is I am bored to death and find it a pointless waste of time. After months (years sometimes), the social one is tired of begging his or her spouse to go out, so she starts going out to the parties by herself. The beauty of life is I dont have to deal with it. We are, however, only a few years from retirement and a recent spell off work for me has highlighted what I fear may be a problem. You are going to make more money, and you might not want to share it with him. Tell me what you want from me and I will do it. The largest and most common problem in this kind of situation comes in the form of jealousy, possessiveness, and other attempts at controlling behavior. Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning, We want different things. It is not because we are depressed, have low self-esteem or are just unhappy, although those things may also be true. Its very rare for me to come across a guy who does not have simple tastes. For advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns. The following traits are good signs that your husband may be a narcissist: 1. Just be yourself and the right people will like you for who you are. Female friends are VERY limited. We're retiring soon and I'm starting to worry that our different social needs will become a problem. You cannot change people. While in the relationship I did try to compromise and what ended up happening is I kept my part of the agreement and she didnt. You might think, Im a good husband and father, I dont cheat, Im not mean or abusive, and Im a good provider financially. THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH. Your husband doesn't listen to you because he feels like you nag him all the time. Lastly, if you know your husband likes to stay home, bring the party to your house. I want to move on to something I sometimes see happen to couples with this disconnect. And Im really glad I no longer have to rack my brain to come up with an original, romantic, epic date every weekend. You can get a divorce but remember who is really to blame here. Weve argued about this over and over. I know he is hurt and has a hard time socializing but I feel equally hurt as I have had no indication from him that he understands how I feel. Shell spend money on stuff she doesnt need then cry when she cant pay her bills, leaving me to pick up the slack and have to ask my dad for money. I can only make small talk for so long before Im bored out of my mind. There may be an underlying reason (we'll get to that), but the fact remains: You don't owe anyone an explanation for how you choose. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. I dont know how much more I can take. The boyfriend needs to say no to some social events or have some control over the time he spends. He was screaming at the top of his lungs. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA . I dont even use social media. Maybe a year ago he wouldn't even "grudgingly accept" your choice to keep your friends. Heaven forbid you two had children living with you as well because then your attention would be divided more than just two ways, and he'd have to share you with your children as well. Knowing that youre out having a good time while hes sulking at home makes him feel envious of those connections, even if he doesnt seem to want to build any of his own. Be true to who you are and understand that its okay to not want to leave your house or compound. Embarrassing your spouse will help them see their flaws. After youve mentally checked out of a relationship, its hard to get the feelings back again, but I do feel were getting there. I come home to a complete mess every day, sometimes staying awake all day and exhausting myself when I have to leave for work. If they consider that rude and unfriendly thats fine with me. She said she did t want to have to babysit me. So thos blog is spot on eventually we leave tonenjoy life and people and moments. not threatening. That even was not the least bit fun. Sincere, gentle, soft, & femininely, works like a charm and makes me feel better too without stress. Phil and Kimberley rightly feel like they didnt get acceptance from their ex. I feel I could have written this post. It's essential to show interest in the things your spouse enjoys, even if you don't share the same enthusiasm. I used to have the same problem, but I solved it with a compromise. I was also 15 years younger with more time and energy. I mean that only as a question. I have few friends and like it that way. Try to enjoy it. I just want to veg out in front of the TV and have peace and quiet. However, despite appearances, I don't hate people. I like to go to parties and events where we could meet up with friends and listen to music and dance and have dinner and maybe meet new people as a couple together. He is 4years older than me and just doesnt want to do anything. An introvert in contrast is simply shy. document.getElementById( "ak_js_3" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); 2023 Strong Marriage Now. I try to make his family gatherings- in fairness, I more often than not, make it, as I also need to chase after our little ones! DONT let me stop caring.. What It Is Like To Fall In Love After 50? I have acquaintances that I see two or three times a year and thats all the socialization I need. Divorced Girl Smiling is here to empower, connect and inspire you. Hope this helps. 1. In my opinion it is important for both people in the relationship to have their own interests and friendships. If your situation has gotten really hopeless, in other words you dont know what to do about your antisocial spouse, say these words to him: Right now, I really, really care about us and the survival of our relationship. A woman took to social media to complain about her husband's habit of grading her food out of 10, claiming he orders a takeaway if he doesn't approve of her meal choice as he refuses to cook for . My wife was obsessed about going out with another couple. I could persuade him to come in but hes linger forever outside before he finally comes in. That is not her idea of a fun evening. Maybe theyll get it, maybe they wont, who gives a shit, they dont give a shit about us. "We had been having problems for a while. If women want to help, they MUST allow one of the above to suffer. He spends less time at home. What is the current status of your marriage? So back to the advice. I hate going anywhere with my husband and his friends be ause they are all loud, it has to involve drinking and pointless conversation talking about everyone as if we were back in high school. Your husband doesn't want a partner, he wants a microwavesomething to heat up his dinner. I have a spouse who loves to watch TV. My husband likes to go to peoples houses and stay for the whole day. He is only interested in his own world and his own thing. Men hold themselves to a high standard of duty. Especially Introversion is not something that we can just switch off. He calls me anti social when I am not. Are you feeling lonely and isolated? Sign up for the Divorced Girl Smiling newsletter to receive weekly articles that might help you during and after your divorce! Please work with me. Boy, Ill say. But he simply won't go. Then Dr. Dana will send you additional free coaching via email. After eight years of marriage, he has just told me that he definitely doesn't want children. It is not something that we should go to therapy to fix. Joe and Jane are very much in love, with a relatively stable life and happy marriage. Coupled with a spouse with no friends to speak of, this can be a glimpse at the real roots of both issues. The man needs to compromise. All correspondence should reach us by Wednesday morning. It was really toxic and didnt survive. Men need to support each other more because youre sure not going to get that from most partners. I dont have enough minutes left on this earth to waste even ONE on small talk I dont care about. Dr. Dana Would Love To Gift You Some Marriage Saving Help, Right Now. He should understand that. She would be at home relaxing in front of the tv. If you havent read it, I highly recommend Susan Cains book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Cant Stop Talking for an insight into what it means to be introverted (she has an entire chapter on how to deal with the issues that arise when an introvert is in a relationship with an extrovert). What needs to be fixed is the married couples inability to find a happy middle ground. Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Thats pretty butch there Randy, how bout turning it down a notch or two? Weve been married 50 plus years and beyond any help. My husband doesn't want kids. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org. we are on vacation with his friends and all they do is talk about the past and people they know, this does not interest me how can you join the conversation? A great thing to consider would be inviting a few friends over on Friday night for Shabbat dinner. document.getElementById( "ak_js_2" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Good article. He feels abandoned when you go to spend time with your friends, left behind with no one to connect with. I can always find those people that I know I can be myself around. She also starts going out with girlfriends. 2. Shes an impulsive spender. Before we get any further into this, lets imagine a scenario that may be all too familiar: Picture an average couple, lets call them Joe and Jane. No criticism or judgment. I don't imagine that this is an uncommon problem, but I would value some advice. No it isnt. Im checking out of this shit. If Jane wants to spend time with her friends, Joe either comes along (not an ideal scenario for Jane, who needs to enjoy her freedom and connect with people other than Joe to feel fulfilled), or he stays home by himself (which he does not enjoy he wants to be with Jane). I want us to be happy. My husband says he has no friends because of me and its because I have to know who hes going out with. Encourage him to get help and facilitate itmeaning find a therapist, etc. Defend his social time to others. Ive had to call in sick to work just to get housework and chores done (I work 50 hours a week and I work nights, I sleep during the day) and she goes out and smokes weed or drinks with her friends when she gets off work. 10. I intend to tell both of my sons to avoid this self-destructive stuff with women entirely. Would he consider therapy and maybe medication? Interacting with me. Not in an argumentative way, but in a vulnerable, open and honest way. I have no problem going out. Other than that, I am fine on my own or with others. It can also become mental abuse, such as when it gets generalized into some form of "no one likes you" (See the next real-life quote below for an example). Howshould I motivate my overweight father to get fit? Instead of accusing your spouse of having no friends, ask them questions about why they choose to isolate themselves, talk about the importance of your own social relationships, and eventually (maybe not the first time you talk about it), try to uncover some of the insecurities or fears that are holding them back. Introverts find socializing draining; extroverts find it stimulating - it's a matter of energy. Yet, all I was asking was to have my person there. So I stopped socializing with her, I went out and met new people and suddenly realized there were people out there that I found interesting, who found me interesting and who I actually liked and enjoyed being with. I am also an Introvert and that was the #1 reason why my ex wanted a Divorce. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA . He has actually said that I have a problem for wanting him to go and I should see a counsellor. I think more than half the problem is that I feel he doesnt have the sympathy I have for him. The truth is, you chose that person. Life is short. Just like the those days in school, though, friendships most often form around similar interests. It might be the case that he is a different kind of romantic, and you are unaware of how he shows his affection. I had to sell my laptop just for gas money. If you are married to someone antisocial, instead of working on changing your spouses behaviour, it might be more constructive to work on the way you perceive your spouse instead or, as you say, look for social situations in which your spouse would be comfortable. That is just their perception. My husband wasnt a very extroverted person when we married, but he has become really social and extroverted 12 years later, and I continue to be introverted. When your spouse is holding onto the belief that everything will work itself out naturally, you may have a difficult time getting them to participate in the discussion. Ive stated what I need, time and time again. Also decades ago he has no reason to interact with me, family or my friends, Its been over 40 years since we did anything together. Dont go out with her and then resent her and be mean. My wife left me earlier this year. I cant recommend it enough. Most husbands work outside the home to provide for the family. I dislike parties very much, for the same reason many other introverts do. It puts a cloud over the whole evening. Jealousy and control are often masks for insecurity, and it may be the very same insecurity that keeps a husband like Joe from making friends, or even feeling confident enough to connect with strangers at all. Good for you. Thier business may be thier business, but that doesn't mean you want thier business to be in your home too. Another piece of advice. Makes me laugh myself to sleep. Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase. What I cannot cope with are the rude, stupid, obnoxious pieces of shit that bother me and then call me a snob when they are horrible to contend with. Not liking things is normal. After searching for a book club, a musical gathering, a cooking class, a pick-up sports group (or whatever strikes his fancy), the critical part is actually getting out of the house to attend these gatherings. Marriage destroys male social lives, thanks to both male and female expectations. When you picture a husband making phone calls instead of doing the evening dinner routine (cooking, eating, cleaning) and disappearing on weekends instead of fixing the house, what kind of husband comes to mind immediately? Criticism, like isolation, is also something that can start small. Your husband is your family and if he doesn't agree with certain people coming over becuase of poor decisions they made in the past, he has a right to say they can't come over. And I also found my "father voice," the voice of discipline and reason in the family. I love you. It might be an indication that the person is depressed or has some other issues, but it might not be that, either. Your email address will not be published. I dont care about their kids or their health or their inane small talk that is so intellectually retarded it makes me cringe. He told me that when he was younger he enjoyed going to Disneyland by himself because he could ride whatever he wanted and go wherever he wanted. What difference does it make to him? Its not something that is a bad quality, or that you should be ashamed of. Women want all this crap and then we give it to you, and then you get mad because were burned out and not the same guy we were when we were 22, its ridiculous. All rights reserved. Im so much happier single. So I have never enjoyed large parties. Sign up for the Divorced Girl Smiling newsletter to get articles on divorce and dating. Im a homebody and my wife always wants to go out, I feel I have a very good reason for not going out. OK, well youd like that back. It is not a flaw, it is part of YOU. It may be normal for your spouse But it isnt healthy. As a severely depressed man I should never have clicked on this article. I think your wife was wrong for that. 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